Change

Many people know I have a bad memory, and when I say bad, I mean terrible. I’ve forgotten important meetings, birthdays, what I had for breakfast and more. But if there’s one thing I’m good at remembering, it’s long conversations, especially those emotionally charged.

I remember a few weeks before my O Levels, a teacher told me that the only thing she had against me going to a polytechnic was this: she was worried I’d pick up bad habits like smoking and underage drinking when I got there. She knew me well enough to know that I’m easily influenced and swayed by others. I remembering laughing it off and telling her that I would never do those stupid things.

Slightly more than two years later, I find myself recalling that conversation. I’m proud to say that I haven’t pick up any bad habits since I stepped into SP (or at least I’d like to think so. But what I have realised, is that the bad habits that lead to us having that conversation are not only still a problem, but they’ve become worse.

For those who know me well, I don’t handle stress well. I somehow managed to survive my O Levels and when that was over, I thought I had survived the worst. Polytechnic life couldn’t be that bad, could it? Well of course I was wrong.

The bad habits that had temporarily disappeared over the 4 month holiday I had before school started came back the moment school started. And somehow over the course of two years, it just got worse and worse.

Having spent 10 years in an all-girls school, I was more than ready to leave all the drama that came with betrayals,backstabbing and bitching behind. Of course I was foolish to think that life in SP would be smooth sailing, because it has been nothing but rough.

Yet somehow I’m still alive. And it’s because I’ve changed (even though I’d like to think otherwise).

I’m someone who really hates change, be it over a short or long period. I like to have consistency in my life, and change just throws me off-balance and disorientates me. But I woke up today and realised that the me now, is very very different from the me two years ago.

Sure, change is normal and it happens to everyone. But I feel like I’m starting to lose myself. Things that once used to bother me no longer do and vice versa. I used to hate losing friends no matter how close/distant we were. But now, I feel like I’m better off alone in life. I used to trust people more, and I’d say I used to be an open book. Now, I’ve built a wall around me so high that hardly anyone gets over.

Father Jude was talking about joy and happiness on Sunday, and he said something that really struck me. He said that some people don’t think that they deserve to be happy, and that they’ve forgotten how to feel happy. I was too pre-occupied with not nodding my head to notice that my mum, sister and brother had all turned to look at me with sad smiles on their faces. That’s how much I’ve changed.

People say that change is good, but is it really? If you’re starting to lose yourself and your direction in life, does that saying still stand? Because at 18 (which I’ll admit is still extremely young), I feel like I’m studying the wrong thing. I’m starting to lose the passion I have for writing and singing and dancing. Those three things used to be a big part of my life, but now I feel so distant from everything because that’s how I deal with stress. I push everything away and crawl under my blanket. But recently I find myself not wanting to leave my bed. I just want to lie under the covers listening to music until I slowly rot away.

Maybe I’ll read this two years from now and laugh at myself for being so emotional and stupid as usual. I’ll roll my eyes at my 18 year old self who is obsessed with BigBang and scented candles and boho clothes. But what I really want to know is, will I still be me? Or will my core change so much I won’t know me anymore?

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I'm a media student in Singapore and I love to write. I'd like to think my opinions matter but they really don't. I'm a little too sarcastic but I promise I'm nice too.

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