I told myself I’ll wrote a post at least once week but look where we are now. It’s been almost two months and I’m a terrible person. I’ve been trying to come up with something to write about but I can’t seem to form a coherent poem or short story and I’m not gonna lie, that’s been making me very frustrating.
But I guess all my late nights haven’t been completely useless because I’ve realised something: I feel extremely lonely all the time. Maybe it’s because I spend all my time on K-Pop but that’s not at it at all.
I’m not looking for a boyfriend or significant other, don’t get me wrong. I just feel like I don’t belong. Not in my class, not in my CCA, not among friends and not among my family. I don’t know when exactly I realised this, but I’ve come to notice how alone I feel recently. I could be sitting in bed at night, with my sister right beside me, but there’s this empty and hollow feeling in me that I can’t seem to shake off.
I’m not gonna lie, my obsession with K-Pop has made everything worse because I don’t relate to anyone anymore. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic for liking K-Pop and for obsessing over boys who look like girls. I guess this makes me feel more isolated from everyone because I only have one friend similar to me, and maybe that’s why I feel so close to her. But that being said, I’m still me, and I hate texting people first because I am terrified I’ll be annoying them.
Not only do I feel alone, but I feel like a second option to everyone. Maybe I feel this way about everyone because of a very stupid someone, but it’s so simple for someone to ruin everything else in your life for you. As I told a friend very ineloquently, I feel like a portable charger. I’m nothing but a mere backup for everyone. I’ve felt this way all of my life and after 19 years, nothing has changed.
It genuinely sucks having to sit in bed every night and try to drown out those feelings in an attempt to fall asleep. But I can’t help but ask myself why I’m so lonely. Is having people who support me too much to ask? All I want is someone I can call at 2am when I’m cold, alone, tired and ready to burst into tears. Yet I find myself staring at my phone blankly because I know no one will pick up.
I thought that I had gotten used to coming home feeling empty and cold, but I definitely thought wrong. Nothing feels worse than crawling into bed feeling alone and misunderstood. I’m probably going through some stupid teenage phase that I’ll move on from eventually, but until then, I guess I’ll just have to get used to cold nights and wet pillows.
P.S: Yes that is J-Hope in my featured image and I don’t care what you think because I am obsessed with this beautiful creature that is Jung Hoseok